


crawling through (i need something human)

by Aenaria



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Canon Divergence - Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Gen, Steve Rogers & Thor Friendship, Tony Stark critical, a different sort of happy ending, but this story disagrees with a lot of his ideas, hard choices, i'm not trying to be unkind to the character, impossible choices really, just in case i miss something the first time around, tags to be updated as the author goes along, what if
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-14
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-22 16:27:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30041484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aenaria/pseuds/Aenaria
Summary: “You have a time machine, and you’re pretty sure you’ll have all the Infinity Stones.  Why not just turn the clock back and kick Thanos’s ass in 2018, with all the new knowledge you’ve gained?”“It’s a rare thing, to get a second chance...Who are we to waste that opportunity?”Sometimes, the right choice isn’t the easy choice.  Steve Rogers knows this, deep in his soul.  He’s made that choice numerous times in his life.  It’s in the aftermath, when he has to live with that choice that he made, that’s the harder part.An EndGame what if, in which a different choice was made with the Infinity Stones, and how Steve navigates the aftermath of that impossible decision.
Comments: 12
Kudos: 30





	crawling through (i need something human)

**Author's Note:**

> I won’t lie, I’m nervous to post this. I also should be working on my horribly late shieldshock holiday exchange fic (it is in progress, I promise), but brains are stupid and sometimes they go in directions we never intend. Which is a pretty apt description of how this fic came about. 
> 
> There are a lot of people who had no problem with the way events played out in EndGame, which is awesome. I’m glad that they enjoyed the story we saw on the screen, so much. But I had a lot of questions, a lot of ‘well what if this happened’, and a lot of goddamn salt about certain things. So, this story ended up spiraling out from there over the past two years...since I saw EndGame, really. It’s partially an EndGame what if/fixit fic where a different choice was made, partially a character study of what happens to you after you have to make the hardest decision of your life. And when you have the life of Steve Rogers, the hardest decision of your life is an unimaginable one.
> 
> To warn any potential readers ahead of time, and so that everyone can curate their own fandom experiences, I will say in advance that this story is both EndGame and Tony Stark critical, though this story is ultimately about Steve and his journey when it comes down to it. It’s not unfriendly, but there are certain ideas that the character had that are criticized in this story. If that’s something that you’re not interested in, thank you for clicking and taking a look at the story which is always appreciated, but this may not be the story for you.
> 
> Also, this story is and will remain entirely gen, no ships in sight. If I continue this universe, you know where it’s going to go most likely relationship wise, but this piece stands on its own as gen fic. The story is mostly complete as well, with the exception as a potential epilogue. I’m not setting up a posting schedule, however, as RL responsibilities are a bitch and a half and I can’t make guarantees. Also because I know I’m going to be editing each and every chapter up until right before posting, because I’m that sort of a nervous author.
> 
> Basically, this is another Aenaria special, heavy on character, light on plot. But that’s the story the idea demanded, and I’m pretty proud of how it’s turned out. So many people have helped me out with this story, and it’s still ongoing, so I’ll name them as I go along. Still, know that I have loved and appreciated everyone who’s given me advice and help on making this story come to life.
> 
> *deep breath*
> 
> Well, here goes nothing…

The idea, time travel, to get the stones and bring them to the future, is set. It’s a good plan, Steve says, out loud at least, because hope is in short supply these days.

It’s their only plan, he says to himself at night, tossing and turning in bed and wondering what the hell they were thinking with this cockamamie idea. It’s not that he doesn’t trust Scott, he absolutely does, but time and dimensional travel? At least when they traveled across the galaxy to kill Thanos, that was in a linear fashion. Still, there’s that one little niggling doubt in his head, that he just can’t shake off.

That little lingering doubt is what causes him to sneak into Natasha’s office late at night, and use the heavy, long-range equipment in there to flag down Carol Danvers. She may not be experienced with time travel (hell, none of them are - who could be an expert in time travel if they’ve only just managed to come up with it?), but her interstellar perspective on things may help him see through a different lens.

“And that’s where we stand.”

Steve spreads his hands out across the desk expansively as Carol’s holographic image looks on, mouth pursed and arms crossed. “It’s...the plan that we’ve got. It’s the only plan everyone can agree on.”

Carol nods, and Steve can tell her mind is working at top speeds. Faster than his, at least, which isn’t hard to do at this time of night after days of not sleeping well. “Can I ask the tough question?”

“Please.”

“You have a time machine, and you’re pretty sure you’ll have all the Infinity Stones. Why not just turn the clock back and kick Thanos’s ass in 2018, with all the new knowledge you’ve gained?”

The billion dollar question, indeed.

Steve heaves a sigh, sitting back in the chair as he nearly chews a hole through the inside of his cheek. “We don’t trade lives. I’ve said it more times than I can think. One singular life is just as worthwhile as everyone else’s. The world didn’t stop spinning these last five years. People are still growing up, getting married, having babies...having lives. Who are we to take that away from them?”

Carol’s shrewd, however, and can see right through the fancy, inspirational speech that people would expect Cap to make to lead the masses. “Yeah, how old is she?”

“Hmm?”

“Tony’s daughter. How old is she?”

Steve just nods, looking down at the desktop. “Four.”

“And, suddenly, so many things become clear. He refused to help unless his daughter was safe, didn’t he?”

A set of arched eyebrows is the only answer Steve can give.

“I get wanting to protect her. I do,” Carol says, eyes distant even through the shimmer of the holographic interface, and whatever she’s thinking of, Steve can see the pain on her face. “But if I was her parent I wouldn’t want to let her grow up in a world that seems like it came from one of Stephen King’s worst nightmares.” She snaps her gaze back to Steve’s. “So basically, if there’s an alternate plan, we can’t expect Tony to be involved.”

“That’s probably a safe assumption.” Keeping secrets has already done so much damage in their relationship, what’s one more to add on top of it? But when the universe is at stake?

“Still, if you know her birthday, do the math. There’s every chance that kid was conceived before the Snap and, if so, she’ll get to grow up in an even better world than the one she’s in now, with parents who are a lot less broken because of it.” Her hologram looks steadfast and strong, a lot stronger than Steve feels at that moment. “I’m going to do some research on what the Stones can do, in the meantime. Power’s great, but only if you know how to use it properly.”

Steve nods. What else can he do at this point? Instead of clarity, all he has are more questions that neither one of them will be able to answer easily. “I’ll let you know how our time travel adventures go.”

Carol nods, and her hologram blinks out of existence, leaving a fading trail of faint blue sparkles behind. Steve slumps back in the desk chair, scrubbing his hands hard over his face, because fuck if he knows what he’s going to do now.

* * *

Natasha and Clint take off for Vormir.

Only Clint returns, and it feels like the heart and soul of the team is shredded in an instant.

* * *

Carol’s not the type of person to let just anyone see her cry, and yet her eyes go glassy and watery when Steve tells her about what happened on Vormir. “Oh, god,” she all but whimpers.

He stands behind the desk, where Nat should have been sitting, fists clenched, trying not to give into the rage and sadness that he knows is brewing inside of him. “Did you find anything?”

Carol sniffles, inhaling sharply and refocusing herself. “Nothing good. Long story short, from a cosmic perspective, the universe is beyond off balance. Right down to the molecular level, and from a more metaphysical angle, at a magical level also. The universe shouldn’t exist in this current state. It can’t, frankly.”

“You spoke to the Living Tribunal, then?” a new voice breaks in, low and haggard and yet strong enough to resonate around the office. Standing in the doorway is Thor, looking about as worn down as Steve feels right then, ragged and tired, like he’s only being held together by the merest of threads.

“And what’s the Living Tribunal when it’s at home?” Steve asks, because now they’re going well past his wheelhouse into the goddamn Marianas Trench, and the last thing he wants to do is drown in it.

“The judge, jury, and executioner of universal balance.” Thor shuffles over to one of the chairs nearby the holographic image generators and kicks back, slumping down. “What did he say to you?”

“That this universe, as it exists now, post decimation?” she shakes her head, “is unsustainable. The balance has been wrecked so badly by what Thanos has done that within a generation, maybe two at the most, everything in existence is going to be reduced to space dust. Something to be absorbed and dispersed around the universe that will come after this one.”

“Unless we turn it back?”

“Unless we turn it back,” Carol echoes, nodding. “The Tribunal’s in agreement, to the point where it’s saying that some futures, including this one, shouldn’t exist.”

“The Tribunal is known for being a bit cryptic, at times,” Thor says, his head turning to look directly at Steve. “The only times it gets truly clear, is when the sentence is handed down.”

Carol points a finger directly at Thor. “That’s an understatement, in my experience. The fact that the Tribunal seemed extremely pessimistic about the fate of the universe when I mentioned the details of your original plan, and then pointed me in the direction of obtaining a little extra knowledge to defeat Thanos back in 2018 as needed is telling enough. I get the feeling that the Tribunal, and the powers that be - whatever they are - above it aren’t exactly thrilled with the idea of starting a new universe just now either. It’s not the right time.”

Thor finds Steve’s gaze yet again, and there’s something dark and dangerous brewing behind his eyes, something that Steve knows is echoed in his own. “So, instead of buying Morgan a lifetime, he gives her twenty years? Maybe fifty, at the outside?”

“Not just Morgan,” Carol says quietly. “The entirety of the universe. The countless species and planets and galaxies in that space beyond measure. Fifty years. Not even the span of a human life. A universe that’s out of balance can’t be sustained, no matter what band-aid you Avengers are trying to slap on it. And that’s if humanity doesn’t hasten their own end, as they’ve been known to do.”

As painful as it is to think, it’s the moment of clarity, of certainty, that Steve’s been needing. “We have to turn it back,” Steve breaths out, the words falling from his lips with unimaginable gravity. “We use the Stones, go back to the battle in Wakanda, and take Thanos out there.” He turns his eyes to Carol. “The Stones together can do just about anything, yeah?”

“Correct.”

Steve pauses, trying to collect his thoughts together. He needs to be sure that he phrases this just right, because if there’s only one chance to say it they all need to be sure they’re working with the same ideas. “So if we do turn back the clock to that moment, there won’t be two versions of us around, just the one version that existed at the time. Yeah?”

She nods.

“Okay. We get the stones, and we turn the clock back to that exact moment. It’ll be tight; Bruce is going to set up the new gauntlet for use tomorrow, and even more so with you being out in the galaxy, but we can make it work if you get back to Earth as soon as you can. We know the stones can be used more than once, so if that’s what happens, that’s how we’ll play it.” He bites the inside of his cheek, hard enough to cut through the skin and leave the lingering metallic taste of blood in his mouth. “One more thing. When we turn the clock back to that exact moment, we need to make it that only the three of us remember this future, so we can ensure we do what we need to in the past. This is our plan, our mission. We need to see it through.”

It’ll also be a bit of a kindness, Steve supposes. It’s hard to mourn what you’ve lost, if you don’t know you’ve lost it. It feels uncomfortably like playing God, deciding if people will or won’t live with the memories, but it’s the choice that will spare people, including those closest to them, the most pain. And will give them a chance for a real future, not just some farcical pretense of one.

“Can you live with that option?” Carol asks, solemnly.

Steve’s stomach roils and the blood on his tongue just seems to get even sharper, leaving him feeling like he’s about to sign the warrant for his own execution. “What other choice do we have?” is all that he says in return.

“It’s a rare thing, to get a second chance,” Thor says. His voice is quiet and low, yet it cuts through the night like a strident call, a rallying cry that they’ve been desperately needing. “Who are we to waste that opportunity?”


End file.
